AVM Surgery - The Biggest Brain Update

It's been a while since my cyber knife gamma radial surgery. Quite a bit has happened since then. I should probably write about the surgery just in case anyone else needs to have it and doesn't know what to expect.  Here is the gist of that day.

I woke up at 3:30 and since we had to leave between 5:30 and 5:45, I just stayed up. I packed a bag just in case but I didn't end up needing it at all. 

We were at U of M hospital by 6am. I went to the gamma surgery center to meet w/Pam the neurology nurse. I remember she was wearing an EFCA pin but I forgot to ever ask her anything about it. She put numbing gel on my forehead and on the back of my head in preparation for the brace I was going to have to wear later. 

I then went to the Gold waiting room where I signed in and was soon called back and brought to my own out-patient room and bed. I was told to gown up and put my clothes and shoes in the plastic bag provided. I hadn't eaten since 6pm the night before and by this time was so hungry. Not helping matters was the fact that we had to pass by the hospital coffee bar a couple of times and it smelled amazing. 

Once the gown was a nurse came in and got an IV started and my vitals were taken. Then a neurologist came in and a neuro exam performed. Then a surprise; Dr. Tekle! He was/is part of my neuro team at HCMC and performed 2 or 3 of my previous angiograms. He asked some questions, signed some papers and then prescribed sweet Adavan! 

While I waited for the next thing I was able to relax in my bed and watch HGTV and Mike Holmes. All too soon I was taken to get fitted for the skull frame. When I got to the room, I saw all the frame pieces and small tools laid out. The frame fitting was the most difficult part of the day. To get the frame on and set, they use ear bars! Though my ears are rather large, the canals are freakishly small and the ear bars hurt like the dickens. Also, as they were tightening the screws of the frame into my scalp I could feel the skin wrap around screw. I didn't faint or vomit but I definitely felt shaky and must have looked green or white because the nurse originally was going to have me walk to the next room but instead wheeled me to the MRI. 

Once I was in the MRI, I was given ear plugs that might as well have been made of sugar because, SO LOUD! Once inside the machine I could see a sticker with the letters RSTLN. I never asked what they meant. To me, they are the most used letters on Wheel of Forture, minus the E. I had to redo the MRI because I moved my mouth yawning. Hey, I was up pretty early and SO tired. After a while it was finally done and I could hear again.

Next on the docket was the angiogram. The atmosphere in the surgical room was festive and upbeat. My favorite medical professional aside from Dr. Tekle was Fern the karoke nurse. They played music during the procedure and it was mostly classic 80's tunes. Score! Also found out that many of the folks working with me had dogs so of course we all resorted to Dog talk. I was given sleepy meds and felt so relaxed. The angiogram was performed just easy peasy and then I was taken back to my room to rest for 2 hours. 

The best part of my day was to come. LUNCH! My nurse brought me a turkey sandwich, applesauce, and vanilla shake. It was the best lunch ever. After that I napped a bit before being given the OK to sit/stand up and have the gamma radial surgery. The nurse came and helped me check out of my outpatient room and she wheeled downstairs for gamma surgery while Bob, his sister Karri, and our friend Monica waved goodbye. 

Once I got to the gamma surgical room, my brace was rechecked for placement. Dr. Juang took photos for me:-) I was moved to the gamma surgery bed and my head frame was fitted to the surgical frame. This machine was similar to the MRI machine but it was blissfully quiet. I was told I could bring a CD and I asked them to put it in. I listened to Streams and it was the perfect music in which to have brain surgery. So lovely, mellow, hopeful, and dreamy. I dozed and was in and out of sleep during the procedure. Before I knew it, we were done. 40 minutes total.

Once done, the nurse came back and the head frame was removed and my head bandaged. I was given instructions, an RX, and my clothes. I dressed while Bob got the van and then we drove home. We were home by 3:30. I was in bed asleep by 5. I slept all night long for a total of 15 hours straight sleep.

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Since surgery I've been doing OK. I had daily headaches for 3 straight weeks. Now I'm down to about 3 headaches a week or so. I am back to having more energy though every now and then I have a day where I don't feel well at all. I have nausea, pain, lethargy, and fatigue. It only lasts a day or so and then I feel better. Oh, and I also have no appetite. Not like me at all. I can't predict when I will feel this way so that's kind of a bummer.

On May 7th I had a 3rd seizure.  This one came out of the blue. No idea why since I am on anti-seizure medicine and had not missed any doses. My seizure specialist wanted to check the med levels in my system and the test came back with the med levels within the prescribed therapy doses.

I met with my seizure specialist on Thursday. We talked about the surgery and I was reminded that I didn't have the surgery to minimilize the seizures but instead the threat of brain bleeding and/or aneurysm. The seizures MAY stop as the AVM shrinks over time but there is no guarantee. She also put me on Depakote. This is another anti-seizure medicine and it has an added benefit of helping to relieve headaches. The only negative is the time it takes me to get used to new medicines. The drowsy side effects bum me out but I usually get through them after 3 weeks or so.

In the midst of all this, my health insurance was not renewed. I wasn't really worried about it because if I've learned nothing else over the course of my life is that God is faithful and provides what I need when I need it. I was right. When I called the pharmacy to see what the out of pocket costs were on the new med I was told $163.00. So I called my seizure specialist to see if there was anything she or HCMC could do to help and she suggested calling the HCMC financial services. Turns out we qualify for their 80/20 co-pay program. Since all my docs are now at HCMC anyway, this works out. And my meds are $3! Quite a bit more affordable than $163. 

I am to go back for a blood test in 3 weeks. Turns out Depakote has a side effect of being a liver killer so they want to watch that. They also want to make sure my levels are in the therapeutic range on the new med. I am confident in my neurology team at HCMC and am happy they are so helpful and available.  Even though all of this is still new to me, it is old hat to them and they are happy to help me get more familiar with this new road I'm traveling. I am really thankful for them and their expertise. I still thank God that after that 1st surprising seizure Bob chose to tell the ambulance to take me to HCMC. 

Seized

Out of the blue I had another seizure yesterday. This time I hadn't missed a dose of my anti-seizure meds so we don't know what the deal was. I DO know that I wasn't feeling well so I was in bed, which was fortunate. I was reading and realized I was not making sense of what I was reading...aphasia. I put the book down hoping the aphasia would pass. It passed alright. It passed into a full blown grand mal seizure. 

Based on what Bob has said, he heard the screeching noise I make prior to a seizure and came in to find me convulsing but breathing and otherwise OK. He said this seizure didn't last as long as the other 2 but I still took a while to get my bearings. He said I didn't know where I was, who he was, or much of anything else. That lasted about 10-20 minutes before I realized where I was and "came to" myself. However I was still groggy, sore, and shaky and once again, my lip was (continues to be) numb. I could not stand or walk on my own. I called my neurology nurse and she said to come in. Thinking back to it now, she probably meant to come in to the neurology office but I'd just had a seizure. So we went to the ER. 

The ER was freezing and held an interesting assortment of humanity. There was a guy there with a stab wound. He was there when we got there and still there when we decided to leave 4 hours later. We left because all I wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep. Plus I was FREEZING. So we left, got home, and went to bed. It wasn't the best night's sleep I've ever had but it felt great to be warm and be in my own bed.

Today I am just hanging out at home. I called the neurology office again and left a message. Hoping to hear back from them soon.  Now we will probably go on a quest to find the right combination of meds or the right amount of meds to keep the seizures at bay. The only thing I can think of is that for at least 2 of my 3 seizures I was menstruating. I've been reading and hormone fluctuations have been suspected to cause seizures in women. I wondered too if the change from The Pill to Lupron shot could be to blame or a partial cause.

I still haven't written about the surgery...I intended to do that this week. But they told me that the surgery would most likely not stop the seizures but would decrease the threat of aneurysm and bleeding. Once you have a seizure, your likelihood of having other seizures is greater. Each seizure creates tiny amounts of brain damage and once your brain is damaged, it is easier to damage. Makes sense I guess. However, Bob did say that this seizure seemed shorter and not as violent as the other 2 I've had. So I guess that's good.

Just another speed bump on this journey. This speed bump means I can't drive for another 3 months though!  Grrr.

Brain Stew?

Today I met with the U of M Fairview Hospital's neurology nurse and the radiologist who will be in on my gamma knife radio-surgery on Thursday. It was a long, nearly 2 hour appointment. Mostly it was me and the nurse (Pam). Pam walked me through the whole day, showed me the room where I'd  be having the surgery, and the brace thing they will be putting on my head. She went over the possible things that could happen but haven't...yet. She had me sign consent forms, read booklets, and I had to have a blood test to prove I wasn't pregnant even though I assured her it would have to be a might miracle of God if I were. (Did you know that they require women up to the age of 60 to have these pre-surgical blood tests? Crazy! I want to meet the woman who has to reschedule her radio-surgery because she's 58 and pregnant.)

On the day of my surgery I have to be there (poor Bob who is driving me) at 6:15am (*yawn*). I am first to go to the area where Pam is and she will dab some numbing cream on my head. Then I am to go to another area where they will prep me. I will be given a hospital gown, an IV will be started, and they will give me some medicine to relax me and the neurologist will come in and fit a head frame on me. This is where I will have a frame attached to my head by 4 screws (or pins as the helpful "So You're Having Brain Surgery" pamphlet calls them). After that I will have an angiogram (the catheter put through an artery in my groin up to my brain thing) and an MRI. 

After all of this, my medical team will plan my radiation treatment. They will use a computer to map out the shape, size, and location of my AVM. Based on that they will pick the exact doses of radiation needed.  Once the treatment plan is in place, I will be taken to the gamma radio-surgical room. I will be placed on a bed of sorts and my head frame will be attached to the a special helmet-like thing that helps to focus the radiation. The medical team will go into the next room and I will slide into the gamma radio-surgical chamber (insert evil laughing and organ music here). I was told I can bring CDs for them to play for me as the machine doesn't make any noise and the procedure can take up to 2 hours but in my case will most likely take an hour and a half. I was also told that most people fall asleep.  Hmmmm. Maybe it's because we have to be up at the ass-crack of dawn in order to get the ball moving on this.  Or not.

After the procedure, the head frame will be removed and the pin sites will be bandaged. I may have to be in a recovery room for a bit depending upon how they closed the site for the angiogram. Pam said there is no way to know for sure when I'd be sent home but she said to plan to be there as late as 4 or 5pm. 

I am not to have anything to eat or drink after Midnight Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I may get something to eat after the angiogram and prior to the gamma knife procedure. I am to bring my medications with me as my Dr's will determine if I can take my morning dose that day or not. I can bring CDs to listen to while in the gamma chamber (Mwahahahahah...sorry. "Chamber" makes me think of old vampire movies).  I can also bring my camera. Pam said they used to take Polaroids for people and while they still have a Polaroid camera at the hospital, they no longer make film for it so now they tell people to bring their own cameras. Once the procedure is done and I've been in recovery a certain amount of time, I will be sent home to recover. Same day brain surgery. Who knew? It's a crazy world. 

Once home I was told I would probably feel tired and groggy for a couple of days due to the radiation. Also, the AVM site could be inflamed and "angry" for a couple of days until it starts to heal/shut down. So I could experience more painful headaches and bouts of forgetfulness or language issues since that's where the AVM is in my brain. (Sarcastic font start here: Hooray!) However, if these things persist beyond the weekend I am to call and ask to see my neurologist. My AVM is on the small side so they are expecting everything to go well.

I will be screened again in about a year to see if the procedure worked and if the AVM is shrinking/dying and may be screened annually after that. In the meantime I will keep seeing my seizure specialist and taking my anti-seizure meds. I will have regular neurological visits to make sure my brain is functioning and that I am not regressing.

So that's what I learned this morning. After learning all of this I made an appointment to get my hair cut so I don't look like a doof on surgery day. It's just not doing what I want it to do. It's long enough that the cowlicks make it untameable and short enough that I look like an ugly man. Now I just have to pick out a couple of CDs to get me through the procedure. Maybe loon calls?  Or Toby Mac?  What does one listen to while a laser is sizzling something the size of a dime inside the language center of one's brain?  I am open to suggestions.

T Minus 4 Days and Counting

This is the week. This is the week I will be having brain surgery. Never thought I would ever utter those words in regards to myself. 

Two weeks ago at my counseling appointment, my counselor asked if I was scared or nervous. At that time I could honestly answer no. I cannot be so honest tonight. As the day draws closer (4 more to go) I find myself getting more and more nervous. 

Tomorrow is my 2-hour pre-surgical assessment and meeting with the radiologist. I should get more questions answered and have more knowledge of how the Thursday will go. I know I have to be at the hospital by 6:30 am on Thursday and I know some of the particulars of how the day will go but I am hoping to get more in-depth information at my appointment tomorrow. 

Later on tomorrow I also have a meeting with my regular physician. It just so happens that I am due for a depression screening to see how my anti-depressants are working. I am thinking I may also be ready to start talking to her about some kind of permanent solution to dealing with my lady parts. ***Men can stop reading here*****I've had a fairly regular period almost every month or at least 10 months per years since I was 13 years old. That's 31 years of periods and 0 fertilized eggs. My lady parts work to produce eggs and work in menstruation but have never worked to produce an egg that is fertilized.  I've never had anything other than a non-fertilized egg, a non-cancerous cyst or endometrosis inside my womb. My periods have always been heavy and horrible. Lots of cramping that comes in waves and renders me helpless to do much beyond writhing in pain. This makes life difficult when 1 out of every 4 weeks is spent in horrible pain. 

Lately I've been having horrible pain and cramping even in the non-menstruating weeks. I am thinking that the endometrosis is back and is cramping my lady's parts' style so to speak. Last year my Dr. asked me if I want to pursue tubal ligation or something similar. I was not ready to do that last year, I after what I've been through this year, I think ending my enduring hopes of ever conceiving and carrying a baby in my ancient and most likely cob-webby womb...well I think it's time. 

First things first though. A laser to my brain.  In 4 days. 

Until then, tomorrow is Dr day. Tuesday is a day I would normally work with the Amazing Dr. B but he's on vacation for next 2 weeks so Bob and I are going to see a movie together.  Wednesday is set aside to spend time with my G'ma before she moves to a city 2 hours south of here and to finish up stuff around the house I want done in case I can't do it after surgery. Then Thursday, we leave our house by 6am and head for the hospital where they will put a laser IN MY BRAIN!

I might just have to get a tattoo to commemorate this.

More Thoughts About Depression

Thanks for all the positive feedback on my last post. I heard from some people that have been trying to struggle through the depression on their own.  I say again...get help. We first learned this with Bob's diagnosis in 2002...asking for help does not make you weak. No, in fact, it helps make you even stronger. Can 1 person hold a 1,000 lb weight or burden?  Probably not or if so, not for very long. But get some help and the whole lot of you can not only hold the weight but can probably also move it along. Get. Help.

After I published my last post, I started thinking some more about my relationship with depression and how it manifests in my life. Everyone is different so don't take my truth about how I live with depression as everyone's truth. 

My depression, as I said in my last post, is cyclical with the really bad times most often occurring just as spring is arriving. However, my depression can also be episodic. This means that serious stress, negative life events, or emergencies can trigger my depression as well. My doctor described it (simplified it) for me this way: Think of your brain as a machine and the chemicals that manage depression as the fuel. If the brain doesn't get the chemicals or if it gets them but they don't mix just right, the brain is not going to function correctly. The medicine I take helps to make the chemicals right so the brain can function correctly.  In knowing that my depression is cyclical, I can take little to no medicine in the months where my brain functions perfectly fine. As the darker months approach, I can add a little medicine each month until I am taking a full dose during the time of the year when I am most likely to be depressed. This way my brain gets the boost it needs to make the chemicals I need to stay healthy.  

In an episodic depression after a major life trauma, I am more apt to need medical help in the way of counseling than in medication. Especially if I am already on the medication when the trauma happens. Sometimes, though rarely, my doctor will change the dosage or medication but mostly we don't want to fix what's not broken, we just want to add something new to help things along. A counselor is a neutral third party who will help you see the truth and find your way again.

For me, depression seems to be very self focused and selfish. Someone once told me that depression is unexpressed anger turned inward. Could be. My depression is sometimes anxious, though not always.  It is always "Me" focused To the extreme.  So something simple as a forgotten return phone call from a friend suddenly means she hates me and isn't returning my phone call because I am a horrible person with whom she no longer wants to associate. Um, it also is a bit on the melodramatic side.

My depression is also lonely. I do not want to socialize or go out because I feel as though I have a big dark cloud covering my head and I do not want to subject others to the gloom. This causes more self focus since I am no longer surrounded by people who love me and will give me the truth in love.

During a depressive episode, I want attention but not only that, I become the Black Hole of attention. There is not enough attention and anyone who does not give me the attention I crave or think I deserve is suddenly someone who hates me. Also, my depression makes no sense whatsoever because I do NOT want your attention. Don't look at me! I am ugly and hideous! Don't love me. I am unlovable!  Don't touch me! I don't deserve love or affection. This makes me a delight and a joy to live with.

Normally a positive person who delights in seeing life with rose colored shades, my depression makes me see the worst in all situations. We are all going to die a horrible, painful death soon so why even try? See? Who WOULDN'T want to be friends with me, right? Or better yet, married to me.  Poor Bob has been such an amazing trooper. I am a blessed woman to have such an amazing and honorable man as my partner in life. SO thankful for him and his support.

I am SO thankful there is medicine and counseling. I need both. I need the medicine to make my brain chemicals right. I need counseling to make my head and heart right. Someone other than my husband to talk me down from my "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, we're all going to die in a fiery crash, help!" psychosis. Someone to lovingly point out the truth and direct me back to being the person God made me and wants me to be. 

There is still stigma surrounding medical care and attention for the brain. I am not sure why. There is not stigma surrounding medical care for diabetics or cancer patients or broken bones or even erectile dysfunction or bladder leakage! But talk about care for depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, or even epilepsy and suddenly we step into whispering and finger quote territory. "I heard she had an anxiety attack." 

Well, anyway, I am thankful I sought help for my depression. I think that naming it and saying it out loud lessens the hold it has on a person. Bring it to the light and suddenly it doesn't seem so daunting. Suddenly people you always thought had it all together are telling you about their own struggles and fears and need for help. We are not alone. YOU are not alone. You deserve to get help. You deserve to be the person God made you and wants you to be. YOU are awesome.

Life - It's a Marathon Not a Sprint

I've had this post tumbling around in my brain for weeks now and haven't gotten around to getting it down. I don't know if it's because of the subject matter, my issues of procrastination, time constraints or what but it's finally to a point where I need to just get it out of my head and onto paper...so to speak.

The issue is depression. Have you seen the commercials where a woman is talking about her depression and they use an animated robe to illustrate the character of her depression? I think the robe is a good face to put on it because depression, at least for me, can be comfy/comforting because it's become familiar. However, it can also be empty, scary, despairing, distracting, emotional, lonely, paralyzing and void of anything at all.

I don't really know when I started my journey with depression.  If I had to guess, I'd say it began during puberty in my middle school years. I was not diagnosed. I just remember times of crushing sadness and despair. I remember emotional turmoil and outbursts. I remember feeling like a giant failure and a pathetic loser. All of these are also things many, if not most teenagers feel as they navigate high school into adulthood. The trouble is, those feeling never really went away for me.

As I look back, I can see patterns. I tend to do OK in summer and fall but by late winter and early spring, I am crushed under a weight of despair that I would swear could kill me on its own. It seems ironic that springtime, with its beauty emerging and warmth and sun and sweetness should be a time of such utter sadness, shame, loneliness, and fear for me. 

In college I once tried to take my own life. Few people know this. I had some pills and took them. Then got afraid and made myself throw them up. I went to my dorms' resident director and told her. She got me into counseling with the school's counselor. This is the first time I remember hearing depression was something more than moral or personal failure and that there was help available. I would spend the next 10 years in and out of counseling before I was finally diagnosed with depression and put on anti-depressants. 

The first anti-depressant I was put on was called Paxil. At the time it was new and it seemed to work for me at first. One of its lesser side effects is realistic and horrific nightmares. I already suffered from night terrors so this wasn't pleasant for me. I stopped taking my medicine. Cold turkey. This is NOT recommended and it led to  a complete...I'm not sure what to call it.  Psychotic break? For a week I battled a depression so deep I could not fathom the depths. My own mind told me how worthless I was, what a failure I was. How no one could ever or would ever love me. I was inconsolable. I cried over nothing. I was anxious and fearful. I became convinced people were after me, after my job, didn't want me around. I also became convinced that the only way anyone around me could be or would be happy is if I were gone. I made a plan. I could not wait to carry it out.

Obviously my plan did not work. I was found out and thwarted. I was going to say my parents made me check into a hospital but the truth is, I was desperate to go and get help even as I was desperate to kill myself. I was 28 and felt my life was over.

The first night in the hospital's mental care facility was not good. They did not have beds in the regular care section so I had to sleep in the extreme care section. My clothes, shoes, and personal items were taken from me and I was given a gown. This part of the facility was locked down so that even going to the bathroom required assistance. People kept screaming. Others had ticks both physical and vocal. I was so thankful that a bed opened up for me the next day in the regular care section.

I spent 1 full week in the hospital before my insurance decided I was better.  But I really was. I left with something I hadn't had in a long time.  Hope. I had a great counselor, new meds, and hope. I also vowed I would never go back to the hospital for mental care again. There were some people there who had been there over and over and over. I did not care for group therapy but liked my 1 on 1 counseling and occupational therapy. I began to feel more like me and I began to even like her a little.

After the close call and the hospital stay, counseling and medication were a more familiar routine for me in dealing with my depression. It also helped to educate close friends and family members about what depression looked like for me and how it manifested itself in my life. As someone who has to deal with depression I know that it's a medical issue. I know that my brain does not make enough of the chemicals it needs to function properly all the time. For me, it's cyclical if not addressed with counseling and medication and I enter a downward spiral that is at its worst just as spring is sprung.  The medication helps my brain to keep all the chemicals at a level that is healthy and normal and I am then able to address life with all its ups and downs in a way that is normal and healthy.

As a Christian, I also know that I have an enemy. I know he is cunning and wily and that he uses whatever he can to try and get us distracted and away from our goal of growing with God and making disciples.  I know that some of the depression I have struggled with was not just a chemical issue but was also a spiritual issue. Thus when I seek counseling, it helps if the counselor I see is also a Christian though it's not always necessary. One of my best counselors was not a Christian and yet she knew enough of the Christian principles and enough about my beliefs to help me.

Bob knew about my depression when he married me. For the most part I've been able to manage it with the aforementioned medication and counseling. However, there was one time in our marriage that I again began to see my life as less than valuable. I though of myself as worthless and that Bob would be better starting over with someone new. I did not have a plan but began to plan to make a plan. It came to a head one night when I could not stop crying and yet did not want him to help me. I tried to find a hospital or clinic to go to but only because Bob was making me. There was no place to go. We got through the night, I called my insurance company and they found a counselor nearby who could help. I started seeing her 3 times a week. As I got better, I saw her less and less until she deemed me healthy enough to continue on my own.

I haven't been on anti-depressants this whole time either. When I saw the counselor mentioned above, she and my doctor formulated a plan together that has worked. during the fall I start taking a small dose of Celexa, the medication that really works for me. I work my way up to a full and stronger dose as the winter months hit. I take it all winter into the spring whereby I begin tapering off. I go through the rest of spring and summer without it and start over in the fall. So far, this has worked for me. Until this year. 

This year the seizures hit, I lost my hair, I lost my driving privileges, and so much more. The depression wasn't as deep and dark as with other times in my life but it was (is?) there. I became anxious, I was moody, I was emotional, I had sleep issues unrelated to my new medications, I stopped being social and isolated myself (BIG flashing red sign) from my friends, I was sad, and I was self medicating. Just read my previous posts and you'll see. I never stopped taking my anti-depressants because I knew that would make things worse. I managed to get through it though.

This week I start seeing a new counselor. First time in 4 years. I am also allowing myself some slack and leeway. I am choosing NOT to believe the voice in my head that tells me this is how it is always going to be. That I am worthless. That I am a loser.  That I will never amount to anything. That voice is lying. 

I will end with this. One time, in 1998, I was driving my car down a dark county road here in MN. As I was driving, this quiet thought entered my mind about how easy it would be to just drive into a tree, a bridge viaduct, or a pole and end it all. Instead of taking that thought captive and making it submit to God's Word, I entertained it. As I began to hold that thought and turn it around and lavish attention on it, another thought entered my mind. This was thought was still as well but was righteous and intense and bold and loving. This thought said, "If you choose to take your own life tonight, you will miss what I have for you." And just like that, I was no longer interested in taking my own life. Since that night in 1998 I have traveled to Amsterdam, seen my nephews grow, met a wonderful man and gotten married, bought my first new car, brought 4 cats and a dog into our family, bought a house, seen my parents retire to FL, gotten my bachelor's degree, joined a new church, seen countless babies be born and now grow, made new friends, lost weight, gained weight, tried new foods, met new people, and so much more. Killing myself was a permanent solution to temporary problems. I now know that there is nothing so bad that killing myself is an option. I also now know that help is there and God is good. He is faithful, kind, loving, generous, and so SO excited to lead me on this journey of life...the one in which He started. And just when I think I've arrived, something else happens to make me realize my true destination is not a place. It's to be more like Him. PTL

On the Road Again

So Monday was my first day back behind the steering wheel after 6 months of not driving. First thing Monday morning I took our van and went to Cub to pick up a few things we ran out of over the weekend. Once I did that, I decided to pick up a celebratory breakfast at our local McDonalds to bring home to Bob. I was gone about an hour and drove a total of...maybe 2 miles. It was glorious! Sadly, the rest of the day was a bust because upon arriving at home I was hit with one of my bad headaches. The kind of headache that can only be cured with sleep in a darkened room and a vicodin.

Tuesday was the big test. For some reason Bob made himself a Dr. appointment on a Tuesday, the same day I work for Dr. B. Because I needed the van, I drove Bob to his Dr's office, then drove myself to work where I set everything up for Dr. B.  Once of our patients cancelled so Dr. B told me I could run and get Bob and bring him home.  So I did that. I drove from Dr. B's office to get Bob and then drove him back to our house and then drove myself back to Dr. B's office where I completed our work day. It was a lot of running but it was fine.

Driving Bob to his Dr. appointment was scary for me though. For some reason, when it's just me in the car, I am not afraid. When Bob's in the car with me, I tend to kind of quietly feel anxious. I worry about having a seizure while driving. What if I'm on the road driving 60 mph and have a seizure?  I don't ever have any warning signs or auras that give me time to prepare for the seizure.  They just happen. My body stiffens and convulses and doesn't stop until the seizure is over. That does not seem like a good combo with a gas pedal and steering wheel. 

Since the only thing I can control in regards to my seizures is taking my meds and being smart, that is what I am doing.  I have a daily medicine check list that both Bob and I look at daily to make sure I've taken all the medicine I'm to take at the times set for me to take them. I also have a daily pill box with both am and pm slots so I know when to take what. This is the MOST important step since it seems the anti-seizure meds work at keeping my seizures at bay.

Next, I buckle my seatbelt and make sure everyone riding with me is also buckled in. I know this is not a fail safe but it's better to be safe than sorry. In that regard I also make sure I always have my cell phone with me.  In my contacts, I have labeled Bob and most of my family ICE which stands for In Case of Emergency. Finally, I have laminated emergency cards that I have in my coat pocket, purse, and with the vehicle insurance info. These cards list my neurologists names and phone numbers, my seizure disorder, my allergies, my emergency contacts and my name and address. Finally, I have a medic alert tag that lists my name, condition, allergies, and emergency contact.

My biggest fear in driving is that I will have a seizure and cause the death or injury of another driver or passenger. I think I have decided that I will drive when absolutely necessary but will otherwise find other modes of transportation until after I have my surgery.  All my Drs say the surgery will not completely stop the seizures since there is still damage to my brain, but it does lessen the chances, especially with me still taking my anti-seizure medicine.

I will not give in to fear. I will NOT give fear a foothold. Perfect love casts out ALL fear and God loves perfectly. If I give myself to Him, ask for His protection and guidance, I am certain that He will work everything together for good. I will just trust Him and do what I can to be safe.

Thanks for all your prayers!